Chutia

*चूतिया* शब्द की उत्पत्ति...

एक पुरुष को एक दुर्लभ बीमारी थी 

जिसका डाक्टरों के पास कोई इलाज नहीं था । 

लेकिन 

एक हक़ीम ने बताया की अगर कोई स्त्री एक महीने तक उसे अपना दूध पिलाये तो शर्तिया वो ठीक हो जायेगा ।

ये बात जब बिरादरी को पता चली तो उसकी जान बचाने की खातिर उन्होंने मोहल्ले की एक ऐसी महिला को उस पुण्य के काम के लिये तैयार किया !

युवक दूध पीने महिला के घर पहुँच गया ।

पांच मिनट दूध पीने का सिलसिला लगातार चला तो एकाएक महिला 

*उत्तेजित भाव से कान में फुसफुसाई :*

*कुछ और चाहिये क्या...?*

बेचारा शरीफ था भावनाओ को समझा नहीं

और बोला:

*एकाध बिस्कुट हो तो दे दो...* 

*और इस तरह "चूतिया" शब्द का आविष्कार हुआ ।*

🤫😝😉🤦🏻‍♂️😜😱😳🥺🙈😯🤩..

Chinese

I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kanna Swami.  

I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese? 

He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA. I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. 

The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee. The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami. 

Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?" 

I said, "Sem Ting"🥺

😆😆😅😅😂😂

Bund

*Patient:*  दो इंजेक्शन क्यों लगाये ?

*Punjabi compounder:*  ऐसा है कि B12 के इंजेक्शन ख़तम हो गये थे, इसलिए B6 के दो लगाये

*Patient:* चंगा है B6 मिल गए, B1 दे इंजेक्शन होंदे ते, तुसी ते बुंड पाड़ देनी सी

😂😂😂

Shashi special

“Exotic crispy puffed wild rice from the amazon rainforest, drizzled with an aromatic salsa-verde of Mauritanian desert cilantro & the chefs secret micro-greens sourced from our exclusive greenhouses in the antarctic, bathed in a luscious salsa-rosso of Botswanaiandates & exceedingly rare Burundian Bujumbura chillies known for fruiting once in twelve years, seasoned with a sauce of sweet Japanese volcanic-soil grown tamarind & malabar organic raw sugar; tossed in a bronze vessel with macedoines of Mongolian winter shallots & Andean heritage potatoes and riotously festooned with a cacophony of Andalusian chickpea flavoured crunchies “bugea” & “papdy” cooked  “a la Marwaraise.

*Commonly known as Bhel puri.*

*Got this recipe from Shashi Tharoor*🤓🤓

We have kept it

Hubby

*Husband* :  तू मायके जाकर भी 

मुझसे क्यु झगड़ रही हो..

*Wife🙋 : Work from home*😂😂

😀😀😀😀

J&J

*Centre is talking to Johnson and Johnsons for single dose  vaccination* 

Question raised by Rahul Gandhi is when it is only one dose why not talk to one Johnson only. Talking to more than one Johnson is to make bribe money and inflate cost.

Mamata has further objected why not talk to John only  and why his son has to be involved in deal.

*Now Centre Will go for Moderna to avoid arguments.*

Maa ka bhosda

Shashi Tharoor to Rakhi Sawant:  Bestow me with the delectation of your occurrence in my mansion.

Rakhi: माफ करना भैया।

इतनी क्लिष्ट अंग्रेज़ी नही आती।

सीधी साधी हिंदी में बोलो।

Shashi Tharoor: आओ कभी मेरी हवेली पर।

Rakhi: आप की जन्मदात्री की विस्तृत योनी।

Tharoor- Sorry, I don’t understand pure & tough Hindi. Please use simplest words. 

Rakhi: तेरी माँ का भोंसडा !😅😄

Gita

*एक साहब बता रहे थे कि वे पिछले बीस सालों से गीता के उपदेश नियमित सुनते आ रहे हैं और उसी के मुताबिक जीवन जीते हैं.* 🤔

*मेरा मन उनके प्रति सम्मान से भर गया.* 

.

.

.

फिर बगल में बैठे आदमी ने बताया

 *गीता उनकी पत्नी का नाम है.....*

🤪😂🤗

Super 👌

One guy wrote on his FB status: 

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes👍🏻 40 Comments. 

But the best comment was:

"Bhai, tu Uber se gaya kidhar ??? 

Party toh tere ghar pe hi thi."

😜😝🤣😂😱😂

Good one

A non medical student attended a Medical exam by mistake.

See his answers... 

The last one is ultimate!!

😂😂😂😂

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work .

8. Liposuction - A French Kiss .

9. Ultrasound - Radical Sound that is above human hearing capacity, such as wife's talk.

10. Cardiology - Advanced Study of Playing Cards .....

11. dyspepsia : difficulty in drinking pepsi.

12.Chicken Pox- A Non-Veg. continental dish.

13.CT Scan: Test for identifying person's

city

14.Radiology- the study of how Radio works

15.Parotitis : information about the parrots.

ULTIMATE-------!!!!!!

16. Urology: the study of european people

  

😂😂😂😂😂

Dude

Epic:

Dude, I m sorry about your wife's death....But how come you married her sister ?

Bro, I don't have the strength to cope with a new Mother-in-Law!! 😜🤣😂

Lavda

Guy 1: Yaar pata nai meri girlfriend pregnant kaise ho gai ! Humne to sirf kiss kiya tha.

Guy 2: Maine to pehle bhi bola tha ki teri shakal hi lavde jaisi hai 😂

Death certificate

*पति :* पड़ोसन की डेथ कैसे हुई 

*पत्नि :*  दाल के भाव बहुत बढ़ने से

*पति :* ओए पागल हो गई हो... ऐसे कैसे हो सकता है?🤔

 

*पत्नि:* मैने अपनी अंखोंसे उसका डेथ सर्टिफिकेट देखा, उसपे लिखा था......

*Death due to High Pulse Rate*

पत्नी बिहार से इंग्लिश ऑनर्स में टॉपर है 

😜🤓🤣😅😆🤩😅

Keeda kahaan pe🥱

आशुतोष-- ""डॉक्टर साहब मेरे कान में #कीड़ा है...""

डॉक्टर-- ""कीड़ा तो है लेकिन आप #लोकेशन ग़लत बता रहे है...।।।""

😂😂😂

Heights

*Read and Enjoy*

-----------------------

*Height of Fashion*

```Lungi with a zip.``` 

*Height of Laziness*

```Asking lift for morning walk.```

*Height of Craziness*

```Get blank paper xeroxed.```

*Height of Honesty*

```Pregnant woman taking 2 tickets.```

 

*Height of De-Hydration*

```Cow giving milk powder.```

*Height of Hope*

```A 99 year old woman going for Rs 295/- recharge to get lifetime incoming.```

*Height of Stupidity*

```Looking through key hole of a glass door.```

*Height of Suicide Attempt*

```A dwarf jumps from the footpath on the road.```

*Height of Friendship*

```It’s when your friend runs away with your wife; and you are really worried for your friend!```

*Height of Attitude*

```A Sleeping Beggar puts a Notice Board in front of Him.```

_*Please do not make noise by dropping coins! Use Currency Notes.*_

*AND*

*THE ULTIMATE ONE*

*Height Of Work Pressure*

```An employee opens his Tiffin Box on the road side to see, whether he is going to office or coming back from office.`

``

😅😂🤣😅😂🤣

Don't laugh alone.... 

Have a great day!

 🤪😜

Ram Nath - old🤙

*After retirement, Mr Ram Nath  aged about 60 married a young 25 year old woman* .....

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

 *“I'm eager to pass time with you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”*

His friends advised him : *Keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person*.

*Mr. Nath promptly acted on their advise and leased a room in his big house to a young tenant*

Now the friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, :  *“How is your wife now*?”

*Mr Nath* : "She is not lonely at all, in fact she is happy and infact *she is pregnant*"

The friends laughed, as they expected this. *And how is the tenant?*” they asked.

Nath replied very soberly *“She is also pregnant* .,.”

*Never underestimate  a Senior Citizen*

😎

Alcoholic

A guy on phone: Good morning, is this the helpline for Alcoholics?

Executive: Yes.

Guy: How does one make Mojito?

Haryanvi confidence🧐

HARYANAVI'S CONFIDENCE

हरियाणा के कुछ लोगों की मीटिंग हुई। मुद्दा था हरियाणा  के विकास  का ।

पहला हरयाणवी, " हरियाणा को भारत से आज़ाद करा लेते हैं ।" 

दूसरा हरियाणवी, " सोचण आली बात या सै आज़ाद करान तै विकास किसतरां होगा ?"

तीसरा हरियाणवी, " आज़ाद हुए

पाछे हम अमरीका पर हमला कर

देंगे।"

चौथा हरियाणवी, " रै भाई, अमरीका पै हमला करण तै के होगा ?"

तीसरा, " जैैसे ही हम हमला करैंगे, 

अमरिका हमको हरा देगा, और हरयाणे पै कब्ज़ा कर लेगा।

हम अमरिका के नागरिक बन जांगे, अमरीका अपना डेव्लपमेंट तै करेगा, हमारा डेव्लपमेंट भी सात्थै हो जागा!"

पहला हरियाणवी, "वाह भाई, 

फेर तै ना वीसा ना पासपोर्ट, अपना सारा रुपैया डालर बन जागा। 

छोरे अंग्रेजी बोलंगे।"

किनारे बेठा नत्थू  चुप था, "रै नत्थू  तु भी कुछ बोले नै।"

नत्थू , " भई मै नू सोचू  सूं के हमले मैं जै हम जीतगे, तो अमरिका का के  होगा!" 😂

Wife

For the last ten years my wife has been complaining to me about not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

On our Anniversary, I resolved to change this bad habit and make my wife happy. 

For a week I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste.

I kept expecting my wife to thank me but she never brought it up.

*Finally last night in bed, she turned, looked at me and said,*

*"Why did you stop brushing your teeth?"!!!*

Innocent kids

LOL 😆😆😂😜

Teacher to 4 Year old kid : "What's your Mom's name?"

4 yr old kid : "Mom's _last name_ must be *Darling* because that's what Daddy calls her every time...."

Teacher : "That's so sweet. What's her first name then?"

4 yr old kid: "I think it's *Sorry*...."

*DEDICATED TO ALL MARRIED MEN*

😂😂😂😂

Social distance

Distancing

  

Advise

👨🏼‍⚕️🥃🥃🥃

  *डाक्टर ने फोन पर सलाह दी...." रोज भाप लेते रहना...! "*

   *अगले ने सुना कि... रोज " हाफ " लेते रहना...!*

   *और यकीन मानो वो पूरा स्वस्थ हो गया.....!*

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Quarantine

*Quarantine Comedy*

🤣😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My friend got bored by sitting at home...

So, he went out & told the outside vegetable cart puller...

“Can you please sit in my house & watch TV for sometime...??

 I will take your vegetable cart for a couple of rounds and sell them for you...”

  

Vegetable cart puller said: 

 “ Sir, I am a software engineer from the next lane... The original vegetable vendor is sitting in my house & attending my Video Conference with a mask”

Traffic

Prof:- why are you late.

Me:- Traffic 

prof:- But it's an online class

 Me:- sir, network traffic

Time changes

*समय का कोई भरोसा नहीं*.

*होटल में जिस गरम पानी में नींबू निचोड़ कर हाथ धोया करते थे , उसे आजकल सुबह शाम पी रहे हैं* 

 *और जो सुबह शाम पी🥃 रहे थे*

 *उससे हाथ धो रहे हैं*

😀😀

Corona !!

आज हाथ पर बैठी मक्खी 🐝को फूँक मारकर उड़ाने की बहुत कोशिश की...*

पर वो *उड़ी* ही नहीं ...

घबरा गया मन मे ख्याल आने लगे

Lung capacity इतनी कम हो गई, कोरोना तो नही हो गया

बगल से फिर एक *भाई साहब* बोले -

ओ *भूतनी के* पहले मुंह से *मास्क* तो हटा‌ ले...

😁😂😄